Pumpkin Bread

I don't really like pumpkin, or any other kind of squash for that matter. I'll eat it, but I just don't get jazzed about it. A few years ago, though, I was in the mood for something that tasted like "fall," and I stumbled upon Sara Foster's recipe for Pumpkin Bread.

And I love it. It's moist, spicy, yummy...tastes like fall!

Though the recipe calls for canned pumpkin, I used to always roast a fresh pumpkin for the bread. Now that I don't have time for such craziness, I just follow the recipe as it, and you know what? I can't tell the difference.

I took some to Love bug's preschool today - hope they enjoyed it. Here's a link to the recipe so you can, too. http://tinyurl.com/yanqy8b

I'm getting soft.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, I could easily be referring to my body.  But, for once, I'm not thinking about that.  I'm thinking about how I've changed over time and how differently I process information.  If I had to pinpoint a catalyst for the change, it would certainly be the birth of my daughter. But, I think the change began even before that, perhaps an evolution of my life experiences?

Are you thinking, "What the hell is her point?"  It's this:  I'm getting soft!  I've long been a Myers Briggs ENTJ, otherwise known as "The Leader."  I've had to take this somewhat silly - but generally pretty accurate - test several times over the past 10-15 years, and I'm a consistent ENTJ.  ENTJs are rational, logical, organized, career-oriented, solution-oriented, etc.  A lot of CEOs are ENTJs.  I'm comfortable there.  I like making decisions, solving problems, etc.  You get my drift.  If you know me well, you really get it.

So, the other day, I take the test again.  Sure, it was an online version, but still valid.  The score comes up on the screen:  ENFJ, or "The Giver."  What?!?  My T turned into an F.  Do you know what that means?  It means I'm supposedly, "people-focused," and that I'm more of an influencer than a leader.  My "thinking" has transformed into "feeling."

Oh, my.  What will I do with this?  Seems like the past couple years of putting my personal needs and wants at the back of the bus has impacted my way of thinking.  Is this good? Is this bad? Does it matter?

Here's what I do know.  While these are just the results of a personality assessment, I can feel a difference in myself.  I've recently been contemplating the next direction for my career, which doesn't necessarily mean leaving my current job (honestly...in case you're reading).  I find that my assessment of the options centers around how the change would affect my family.  For instance...job making more money but also more pressure would buy bigger, nicer house in better school district for growing family.  Cutting back to part-time work creates tight financial situation but allows for my child (and future children) to spend more quality time with parent.  Jobs I would've previously considered (and did for a few days) that would enhance the overall trajectory of my career are thrown out of the consideration set because they will take me away from my family too much.  You get the idea.

And, ENTJs love to win.  They're competitive.  I found out today that I may not have "won" one of the career options I was in the running for.  And, you know what?  I don't care that much.  Huh.  That's strange.  My first thought was, "must mean I'm supposed to take another road to spend more time with my daughter."  I'm not sure if that's it at all, and you never know what will unearth next week.  But, in the meantime, I'm just going to try to succomb to being a softie and enjoy the weekend with my family.

Am I crazy?

Perhaps.  As my previous two entries indicated, my dear friend Jane passed away nearly two months ago...and I miss her.  But, I think I'm healing, and life certainly does keep going on.  

I didn't share all of Jane's spiritual beliefs.  But, she had a number of friends who did, and at least one of them has referred to her as "Jane the Butterfly."  If that works for that person, fine, I suppose.  I have a few problems with it - tensing up as I type - but I'll keep those to myself for now.  

Why do I even mention this?  Well, I've been on vacation at Emerald Isle for the past week, and I've found time to go running each day (trying to shrink myself).  I've been coming to Emerald Isle for many years now, and while I've certainly seen butterflies before, I've never noticed them as I do now.  As I run each day, I see at least several butterflies (or is it just one?) along the way, and yesterday one flew right up in front of my face; it didn't seem to want to leave.  Am I crazy?  Who knows.  But, what I do know is that the beautiful creatures do make me think of my friend and how special she was.

jane part 2.

I also wanted to post some memories that my friend, Monika, shared about Jane (obviously, Monika gave me her permission to post).  I couldn't agree more with her sentiments:

Dear, sweet Jane.  

You are one of my best friends who has been there for me in both the happiest and most trying times of my life.  It’s strange not to be able to call you right now and talk about this tragedy.  You were always my “go-to”. 

But since this is a celebration of your life, I need to tell you the things I love about you and thank you for the memories I will hold close to my heart forever. 

·      I love you for always being a good friend.  You were an attentive listener and insightful advisor.  You were non-judgmental.  You were understanding.  Your advice was solid and honest.

·      I love you for providing me with new perspectives.  You helped me explore and discover myself.

·      I love you for remaining true to yourself.

·      I love you for being such an amazing artist.

·      I love you for being the first friend I had at Carolina.

·      I love you for nicknaming me “Booger”.

·      I love you for going to countless frat parties with me and dancing until all hours of the morning.

·      I love you for snorting when you laugh.

·      I love you for introducing yourself as “Rosemarie” when guys hit on you.

·      I love you for making my beetle Halloween costume.

·      I love you for making our apartment a home by recovering all of our furniture in bright blues and yellows.

·      I love you for having a newt whom you fed crickets – and both the crickets and the newt sometimes escaped in the apartment.

·      I love you for eating weird dishes – like a bowl of Italian dressing with grated Parmesan cheese.

·      I love you for wearing Kangaroos – complete with Velcro fasteners and a zipper change pocket. 

You are an amazing, funny and intelligent woman.  You are beautiful to the core. 

I love you.  I will miss you forever.

jane.

My good friend Jane passed away this week.  At the service last night, I wanted to say a few words about what she meant to me.  I took a few moments yesterday morning to write down my thoughts; I shared an abridged version at the service.  Something about posting what I wrote here on this blog is cathartic for me, so here it goes:

I love Jane.  I loved her humility, her empathy, her laughter.  I loved that she stretched me to think about life from different perspectives.

 

She and I met more than a decade ago when living together at UNC.  When asked to share my memories of Jane, I was flooded with them…many of which illustrate the witty, fun, charismatic Jane we all knew.  I look forward to exchanging some of those memories with you later this evening.

 

What I would like to share with you now are a couple of memories that stand out to me as representing who Jane was in two of her most significant roles - as a friend and as a mother.

 

You're all here tonight because Jane made an impact on your life -- Jane was one of the most significant relationships I have ever had.  In a word - she was a friend.  The following anecdote may seem so small, but it wasn't to me…

 

When I was engaged to be married, about four and a half years ago, Jane - along with our friends Monika and Cheryl - threw me a bridal shower and bachelorette party.  And, while I know Monika and Cheryl were instrumental in the planning, I also know it was Jane who took care of all the final touches, the "details," if you will.  I'll never forget when I opened up the invitation she sent to me - I was immediately touched.  Not just because the invitation was beautiful (clearly designed by Jane), or because my friends took the time to throw this party in my honor, but because it was so clear that the creator of this invitation - Jane - knew exactly who I was…and took the extra steps to incorporate that into the invitation.  The following details are thing that nobody else would notice, but that I did.  She refers to my now husband as "B," which is what I call him, rather than as "Brian."  She refers to me as "A. Christine Yates," making sure to include the "A-period."  I have always been called my middle name - but Jane knew how closely I also identify with my first name - Anna - and that I almost always refer to myself as, "A. Christine."  The most vivid detail, though, were the colors - red and pink and orange.  I love vibrant colors, and these three most of all.  That she chose those colors for the invitation was no mistake - she remembered. 

 

Then, when I arrived to the shower, I immediately noticed that she filled the space with beautiful flower arrangements she created - all red and pink and orange.  And, she had taken the time to make me this big, floppy hat.  This is a long time with a glue gun!  She made sure that no detail was unattended to.

 

There's more.  If you did the math in your head, you would have realized that Jane was pregnant at this time - very pregnant and within weeks of giving birth to her son, Owen.  And, did I mention she wasn't living at home, because she was remodeling her house?  And, that she had some other personal challenges she was dealing with?  None of this deterred her.  And, in the end that night, she insisted in going "out" with all of us…running from bar to bar on Franklin Street and staying out until the wee hours of the morning.  I must have suggested to her 10 times that she may want to go home and rest, but she wouldn't have it.  I have an incredibly vivid memory of her sitting in the corner of a local college bar, sipping her water and looking like she's rather be just about anywhere else.

 

 But, she did it all for me, her friend.  That's the kind of friend she was.

 

The final observation I'd like to leave you with is of Jane as a mother.  There's simply no relationship more significant than that of parent and child, and Jane's connection with her son was no exception.  I recall Jane's pregnancy as being the most contented period in her entire life.  She recounted to me numerous times how at peace she was during that time.  And, she laughed - many times spontaneously about nothing at all.  She said she just felt like giggling.  I loved that.

 

Then, when Owen was born, they spent the next 12 months "in their own little world."  Those are her words.  She said she'd never known such a feeling - and really shut out much of the outside world.  When I had my own daughter, I went to her with many questions about feeding, sleeping and such.  She could answer almost none of them…she said she couldn't remember…that she was so focused on the bond between Owen and herself during that time, that she just couldn't recall such mundane details.

 

To close, I'd like to read aloud one of Jane's recollections of Owen - written by her on May 14th on her Facebook site.  Many of you have probably already read this, but I think it's beautiful and screams of Owen's love for his mother:

 

"last night owen found a white paper heart left in his art box by his friend, Reanna. i finally remembered she had cut them out in February when she was making valentines. this week these white paper hearts with scribblings had been showing up all over the house. we got home from the park and owen needed a bath. he was very insistent that he had things to do before he took his bath and it was clear he was not dawdling. he took the seeds from his apple at dinner, filled up a cup of water and walked outside. am guessing he planted them somewhere... then he came inside and against my protest took one of the hearts and drew a human looking form on it. he said, "this if for you, mama. it is an angel for you in a heart". then he took another piece of scrap paper and wrote MAMA on it and handed it to me. it was a white sticker to label folders with, so i peeled it and put it on my sweater jacket. i was reminded of this when i realized i am still wearing a sticker out and about with myself labeled as MAMA."

May Jane have the peace she sought.

A wise old woman.

...is what I want to be one day.  I can only hope.

In the meantime, I try to remind myself from time to time what a wise old woman like "myself" would tell her grandchildren or great-grandchildren if they were wrapped up in the stresses of everyday life.  I'd tell them to stop and breathe.  I'd tell them to stop and think, "What's the worst thing that can happen here," and that usually reminds you that whatever you're stressed about isn't that important afterall.  I would tell them to remember the Serenity Prayer, "God grand me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change hte things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."  I would tell them to remember time moves faster and faster...and faster and faster...so try to "live" each moment.  That's not to say each moment will be enjoyable, but try to be concious of your life.  I would tell them that frame of mind almost always impacts outcome in a significant way, so you win by being positive.  I'm a pretty wise old woman, huh?  Just reminding myself today...

Where were you?

Where were you when America made history?  Where were you when we welcomed into America's highest office a man who - just a few decades ago - wouldn't have been welcomed into the same restaurant dining room as white persons.  Where were you when the millions of Americans traveled to Washington, DC just to be in the vacinity of this incredible moment in time?

I'll never forget where I was, because something greater than us stepped in and slowed everything down.  I can't remember the last time it snowed in Chapel Hill.  But, in the wee hours of January 20th, 2009, snow started falling, and today was an official "snow day!"  Translation:  everything in this town came to a grinding halt, enabling us all to slow down from the hustle of our daily lives to take in this moment in time.  It's almost as if this was planned...

So, where was I?  I was in my living room, dancing with my baby daughter as the quartet played an arrangement of "'Tis a gift to be simple, 'tis a gift to be free..."  She laughed and laughed; I'll never forget the look on her face.  As President Obama took his oath of office, she jumped up and down on the sofa, again laughing with glee...not because she was aware of the historical signifiance of this moment, but because both her mommy and daddy were at home in the middle of the week.  But, while she didn't understand the meaning of the day, I did.  And, every detail of this day and that scene will be etched in my memory as I describe it to her one day.  

I am more hopeful for her future today...not because I expect President Obama to move mountains...but because the American people overwhelmingly decided to take a giant step in the "right" direction. 

Back at it.

...the daily grind, that is.  I've been off work for two weeks, and I'm back today (although Monday is my work-from-home day, so I'm still in my PJs).  I got a little weepy last night thinking about having to get back into the hustle and bustle of daily work life.  And, I have a number of business trips (albeit short ones) coming up.  I've had so much joy spending all day, everyday, with the little one.  On the other hand, I don't think I'm cut out to stay home all the time.  I'm not thrilled to be back at work, but I'm welcoming the change in routine.  At least, that's what I'm telling myself...right?

The best gift ever.

Maybe not ever (that would be the kid), but pretty close. My father-in-law gave me an iRobot Rooma vacuum cleaner for Christmas. Now, some folks might be offended by such a gift, but I was intrigued. You see, the Roomba is a robotic vacuum cleaner. Basically, it's as simple as pressing the "clean" button, and the robot vacuums your house. I was skeptical, but it's GREAT. It vacuums hardwoods, rugs, carpets, going from one to the other with ease. And, it even leave those nice, "I just vacuumed" marks on carpet! I can't think of a bad thing to say about the Roomba. I've run it everyday since I got it. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm freakishly excited about this gadget...but I LOVE the Roomba. You must get one yourself.