Gratitude.

Thank you. Mother Earth, God, Great Spirit, whoever or whatever you are - I simply thank you. I've had this thought everyday since my daughter was born nearly eight months ago, and some days I'm overwhelmed by the gratitude I have...for this gift. I was at the coast the weekend before Christmas and took a walk down to the water; she was with me. There were very few folks around and the weather was beautiful. She and I sat down on a bench (and the pup was with us, too) and, well, just sat. I distinctly remember her sweet face as she smiled, and I remember thinking, "This is what life is about." That's how I feel everyday. Thank you.

Good news!

Good news for me, anyway. Some time with my daughter and a few glasses of wine later, I'm much better able to let the bull@*$#& roll of my back. I'm much more relaxed. Whew!

Martyrs and such.

I'm not much of an Oprah watcher. If I was, I'd use this blog to write about all the things and people I appreciate, and other such warm fuzzies. I do that from time to time...but not today. Rather, I'd prefer to use this blog today (and have done so previously, as you can see) to quickly vent. That's healthy, right? Maybe even Oprah would think so.

I'm not sure from where the tendancy to be a martyr originates. I suspect it's deeply rooted in something as basic as childhood or a low self-esteem, etc. And, if that's the case, I know I should just let the effects of such roll off my back, since the chance that the martyr will ever change is slim to none. But, every once in awhile, it's just too much. Way too much.

Don't do something "nice" for me simply because you know you want something in return. Don't explain to me that I "must" do something out of a duty that's not mine. Don't drag me into your guilt-filled world. Just don't do it. I am thoughtful and kind and enjoy doing things for others. And, in fact, I've been known to do things for folks, "just because it's the right thing to do," or because it was really important to those persons. But, I don't appreciate heavy suggestions that I should do something because I need to reciprocate for an action you volunteered.

I know this may all be confusing and veiled, but it feels better for me to get it out. Here's my point: Be straight with me. Tell me what's important to you. Tell me what you need. Tell me if you're disappointed. I, in turn, will be straight with you (as I already am). And, if I'm unable to react to your every request, that's okay. Because, since I'm a free-thinking adult, it's okay for me to say, "no." That's why it's called a request and not a command.

No, I'm not writing about my husband:) He gives it to me straight; I always know where he stands. Not perfect, but not a martyr. I'm just talking about folks in general, of course.

Watch the Thinker.

"Watch the thinker," writes Eckhart Tolle in his book, The Power of Now. It's been a couple years since I read the book, and I didn't even finish it, but I remember this phrase and point. The context around "What the thinker" is that to truly be in the here and now, you must be able to be outside of yourself...make any sense? Anyhoo, it's not an easy task for most of us, so the first step to achieving that state, says Tolle, is to practice "watching the thinker." Essentially, try to observe your own thoughts as if you were a fly on the wall of your life. Since I read that several years back, I find myself "watching the thinker" quite often. It's interesting. It's frightening. It's annoying.

I realize that there are certain scripts that run through my head a lot. For instance, I'm always trying to please someone/something. I'm always telling myself I should be better. On the flip side, I am easily annoyed when others around me aren't fervently doing the same thing. The good thing about watching all this thinking is that I'm able to try to change the script after recognizing those recurring thoughts that aren't productive to me or others. Now to my point: perhaps the most interesting (and annoying) thing I've learned is that I constantly have thoughts running through my head. All the time. When I'm sitting watching TV, I'm thinking about something. When I'm making dinner, I'm thinking about something. As I sit here and type, I'm thinking about something.

Right now? I'm thinking that I'm slightly annoyed that my husband went to watch football with his friends while I'm sitting here watching a teething, non-napping baby. And, I'm asking myself why I'm annoyed by that...can he not watch football with his friends? And, shouldn't I want to maximize my time with the baby since I'm going to Chicago on Tuesday for a business trip? And, I'm thinking that I need to remember to ask the nanny if she can work on Friday. And, how may bottles do I need to leave Brian and the nanny when I go to Chicago? And, I've eaten way too much junk food this weekend. And, what will I wear when I present at the conference on Tuesday? And, my job...need to think about how I'm going to make the changes I'd like to make...wow that opens up a whole can of worms. Seriously, these are the things that have been running through my head.

Holy moly. No wonder I need a blog. If only I had more time to write.

A good read.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/21/us/politics/21carolina.html?ex=1382328000&en=a9768a721bed50ea&ei=5124&partner=facebook&exprod=facebook

p.s.

here's a Web site for the show http://www.spainontheroadagain.com/

Here's what I'm thinking.

I'm relaxing and watching my favorite kind of TV: that which is focused on food. Earlier tonight, I watched one of my favorites, "Triple D," otherwise known as "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" on the Food Network. Great as always. Really - you must check it out.

Now to my point. I'm watching this special on PBS starring Mario Batali and Gwyneth Paltrow (along with a Spanish actress and US food critic) traveling around Spain and eating great food, drinking incredible wine, etc. And...I don't think I can watch this anymore. The food looks incredible, the setting beautiful, etc...but if I have to hear Gwyneth Paltrow claim one more time how much she loves food and just eats and eats and eats and eats, I think I'll be sick. Really? Is anyone buying what she's selling?

It's not Benjamin Moore no. 356, "Denim."

They're actually jeans, not paint. That being said, today is a good day, because I was able to zip and button a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans. A normal-sized pair. While they look like they're painted on, they're actually on...and they don't hurt. So there.

p.s. to political rant.

If you want to read a real rant, check out www.rojahnrant.com. I think I claim this blogger as family:)

I just don't understand...

...the psychology behind why some Americans will "pick a side" without fully looking at the facts. Yes, I'm talking about the presidential election in this country. I'm watching the debate right now, and it's pretty interesting, but it's also prompting me to think about a conversation I had this morning. I won't mention who I was talking to...but this person mentioned to me that he would "never vote for Obama," because, "...Obama is Muslim, and he says he will meet with terrorists in this country." WHAT?!? Unless Obama is simply a boldfaced liar, I understand him to be Christian. And, let's say he was Muslim (which he isn't)...does that really matter? I thought we had a separation of Church and State in this country. But, did this person take the time to research these claims that he simply picked up along the way of his daily life? No. Now, let's tackle the claim that Obama will meet with terrorists in this country...I assume he is referring to Obama's statement that he will consider sitting down with leaders throughout the world, regardless of their policies, etc. Or, perhaps he was referring to Palin's recent comments that Obama was "palling around with terrorists." If this person had taken 5 minutes to do a simple Google search, he would understand that this was an issue already debated in the primary season and put to bed.

I understand that we all have different political perspectives, and I certainly don't expect all persons to agree with my own views. But, what I simply don't have patience for ignorance and laziness. Take the time to investigate the policies of each candidate rather than reading some stupid email forward or listening to a pundit, etc. Think for yourself. Be logical. Then, and only then, stake your claim.

To all of you out there who approach something as significant as a presidential election in this haphazard way, I have a message for you: "Stay home in November." We don't need your vote.

Inspirational Women

Social networking is incredible. Ten years ago, who knew that I'd be able to connect with persons from all areas of my life through one Web site?

Some photos that a friend of mine posted on Facebook a few days ago (that I saw today) inspired me to think about how incredibly blessed I am to be surrounded by such strong women. This particular friend is beautiful, smart, fun and a great mom to boot. Unfortunately, her husband didn't come close to measuring up, and she's had a tough few years. But, she made the choice to rise above her challenges rather than being a victim. She doesn't wallow in what could have been...she doesn't expect that anyone "owes" her anything as a result of what she's been through. Rather, she picked up her life, made smart - but hard - choices in her son's best interest, and she moved on...or shall I say, "up." Today, she's happier than I've ever known her, and she literally glows. She has an incredible career and a beautiful, happy, well-balanced son. She took the narrow, crooked, less traveled path, and it's leading her to great places. I'm so proud.

p.s. did i mention that i generally don't shower on mondays until brian gets home at dinner?

Monday - a blessing?

I shouldn't be writing this right now. Why? Because I only have a few minutes, and I should be using that time to do "work," the kind I get paid to do. But, I needed a quick break, so here I am.

Every Monday is a blessing. I work for an organization that's flexible enough to allow me to work from home one day a week. And, regardless of this blog entry, I don't take advantage of that. I work more than my fair share throughout the week (definitely more than 40 hrs), so I feel comfortable with the arrangement. Most importantly, it allows me to spend one more day a week with my baby girl. The nanny doesn't come on Mondays, SO...

Every Monday is also a challenge. This morning went something like this...wake up, make coffee and answer some emails before Anna wakes. When Anna wakes, feed her and play with her until she goes down for her morning nap (about an hour after she wakes up). Usually, I use the time when she's sleeping to cram several hours of work into one, and then we start the cycle again. Lucky for me, she still naps three times a day. Since I don't get as much "work" done on Mondays as I would like, I continue working after she goes to bed.

But, as me if it's worth it. The answer is a resounding, "YES." This arrangement is one of the things that keeps me in the workforce, and I am assure any skeptics out there that my employer gets more than 100% from me over the long run. I think my employer could be even more flexible, but it's a great start. Why are others not smart enough to do so?

Off to work! 49 minutes and counting...

Opting Out?

I'm not there (yet), but I thought some of you (the 1 or 2 readers who may visit this site) may enjoy this book http://www.ucpress.edu/books/pages/10348.php called Opting Out by Pamela Stone. She recently spoke here at UNC, and I thought her premise was pretty interesting. She asserts that, through research (she's a social scientist), she's determined that many women don't leave the workforce because they have an overwhelming desire to do so, but that they leave because the workforce is so unfriendly to working women/mothers. She suggests that the inflexible work hours, etc. in the overwhelming majority of organizations essentially "forces" women to leave. And that, for those who are able to work out flexible arrangements (such as part-time, etc.) are marginalized to the point of leaving. Very interesting.

p.s.

Remember my pledge to exercise at least 15 min everyday? I broke my streak yesterday. Does laundry, cooking dinner, nursing a baby and running to/from work count?

Calling all voters!

The first VP debate is tomorrow night, Oct 2, at 8 pm CDT (so 9 pm EDT). Here are some details posted by Washington University in St. Louis http://debate.wustl.edu/home.php.

If you can, please watch! Notwithstanding my previous comments about comedy, we know all too well how influential a vice president can be. It's an important choice - so check it out!

Comic Relief

My day has been crazy. I mean, I worked like crazy yesterday, dreamed about work last night, and I'm working like crazy again today. But, good news is that The Wall Street Journal ranked the EMBA Programs at UNC #5, which is good for me professionally http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122244975223379303.html. Of course, had they ranked the programs low, I would have told you rankings don't matter:).

In all this work craziness, I do find solace in some comedy. In case you've been hiding under a rock, here's my favorite latest: http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/couric-palin-open/704042/. HA!

A girl's gotta move!

This one does, anyway. Try not to roll your eyes in the back of your head and groan when I type the following words...I AM FAT. I know, I know - you've heard me say it before...I just had a baby...9 months on, 9 months off, etc. Thanks for the kind sentiments, but here's the situation: It's been 5 months since I had that baby, and I still can't fit into 95% of my clothes. And, if this week is any indication, Fall is here (if not to stay), and I can't afford (not will I) to buy an entire new wardrobe because I can't fit into any of my jeans.

Look, I know it's all relative. If I have a second child several years from now, I'll probably wish I had the body I do now, just as I now wish I had my pre-pregnancy body that I used to think was "fat." HA - such is the plight of being female. And, of course, I'm just not one of those persons who loses weight easily. And, YES, I am nursing, and NO it hasn't helped me lose weight.

So, I've gotta move. I walked each day during maternity leave, but exercise has gotten a bit dicey since I returned to work. Typical day: Up at 6:30, prep for day, at work by 8:00, home by 5:00 to relieve nanny, play/care for Anna until 7:00/7:30 when she goes to bed, make dinner, eat dinner around 8:30, have a glass of wine and prep to do it all over again (clean kitchen, do laundry, etc...in short, be Flossie). And, I do like to try to touch base with Brian:) I've tried to stroll Anna when I get home, and I will continue to do that sometimes, but I need MORE!

So - my promise to myself is that I will start doing something - if only 15 minutes - everyday. Let's start tomorrow (because I'm in DC today for work and won't get home until late...isn't there always something?).

Send me any great ideas!!!

*#!@% Internet Explorer

I just wrote a LONG post and IE crashed. No time to re-write...will be back when in better frame of mind.

Why Flossie?

I grew up with Flossie. Flossie was the imaginary woman who helped my mother when I was growing up...she was generally called in when my mother was at the end of her rope. For instance, "It sure would be nice if Flossie would finish these dishes..." Flossie did it all - behind the scenes, of course.

As a new mom (to my precious Anna) who recently went back to work and is trying to figure out how to "get it all done" while still having fun and keeping my sanity, I've come to realize that Flossie and I are one and the same! Don't get it? Read again.